Things I must remember as a dog (in order to keep my present living arrangements)

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
9. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and the redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on television.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with them.
17. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
20. I will not play tug of war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath.
22. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
23. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
24. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, doesn't mean it's cleaner.
25. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
26. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my rear end can quickly clear a room.
27. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
28. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
29. Kitty box crunchies are not food.
30. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
31. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

(Author unknown)